Physics is going to be the death of me.

I am a capable woman. I can DO things. I am not fazed by the fact that I am one of 3 girls in a 21 people class, or 1 of 3 girls in another 14 people class. The ratios are against me. I am CAPABLE. I can hold my own.  I can do this. I am smart, intelligent and able to hold my own against any of these guys. —–> These are things I tell myself every day. It’s weird being in the minority in such a pronounced way. Why are girls staying away from subjects like physics or programming? I myself am switching my major from a hard science like biology to psychology. I still want to become a Doctor but its’ still rather discouraging when even the ex-Professor of Harvard doesn’t believe women are built for science and maths. It’s hard to go to a class and have a professor who can’t teach (but is really enjoyable and utterly adorable in his craziness) spend 2 hours barking nonsense and non-tangential information to you. I have to then go home and basically re-read the chapters and try to dig deep to remember trig and calc I haven’t used in YEARS. It’s foggy in there, I tell ya. This brain is like a maze and trying to find the door to 3 years long gone physics or 5-10 years long gone maths is like finding a particular grain of sand on the beach. It feels impossible. I know I’ll pull through this–but for now, I have A LOT of work to do and prove that I am as a woman, JUST AS GOOD as any dude out there.

I biked A LOT yesterday. And my groin is in pain but I bought a gelly seat from target and that definitely absorbed some of the shocks (see, I’m using Physics Terminology!). I biked around 12 miles yesterday. A NEW RECORD. And if all goes as planned, I’ll be able to bike 7-15 miles around 3 times a week. Then I’ll see if I can swim two other days, do pushups and ab exercises to make me a well-rounded exerciser. The weight btw disappeared and this morning I woke up to 161.2lbs. It could be dehydration but in general the 3lbs I supposedly “gained’ are gone.

Today I mustered the strength to wake up at 5:30am and go to class. I came home and crashed around 1pm. Only to wake up at 5pm. I am UTTERLY and totally exhausted and so I’ll allow my body the food it needs ot recover. I think I’ve eaten around 2000 calories and that should generally suffice plus or minus another 100-200 cals. I’m not sweating it. I worked out so hard and am pushing my body to do new feats. I’ll allow it to ease into the body it can sustain. No need to force it to adapt or go into starvation mode. Say goodbye to yo-yo dieting once and for all.

I picked up some trashy Contemporary Chick-Lit and I’m super excited to just hang out with friends, go to class, workout and read this summer. I think it has the potential to be such a healthy and heart-happy summer. I have SUCH GREAT NEWS. My aunt who has metastic bone-marrow lymphoma has found a match in my aunt (her sister)!!!!!! SO A TRANSPLANT IS POSSIBLE. I’m so blessed and grateful for this news. Even if bad things happen, at least there IS A CHANCE and it’s a chance I’ve prayed for over and over again. Hopefully, she’ll be getting another dose of chemo. Get her PET scan done and my aunt will take an extended trip this summer (she lives in Pakistan) and the transplant can happen.

I feel all over the place but feel ok. Like I can do ok. After last year at this point when I was being sexually harassed and just got assaulted from an ex-prick for a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive—well let’s just say, I’m much happier and more comfortable in my existence.I thought I’d never be able to find myself again. So I’m here. So present in my own skin. It’s hard to describe–but I HEAR myself again. How many of us lose our “voice”? Try to be the person you were as a child, the organic self that you possess. The best version of yourself. But at the same time the very human version of yourself…does that make sense?

Ok now I”m off to do some INTENSE homeworking and blog reading as an ongoing distraction. It’s 7pm now–Hopefully I can do hw til like 2am and get 4 more hours of sleep before the 24 hour period is through.

Books to read these next two weeks:

1. Thin is the New Happy by Valerie Frankel

2. Sweet Love by Sarah Strohmeyer

3. Chasing Harry Winston by Laren Weisberger

4. She went all the Way by Meg Cabot.

Have a good night you guys and thanks for commenting Sarah and Karen. Makes me feel loved!

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3 responses to “Physics is going to be the death of me.

  1. Rock on sista!! You are a superstar. I wish I was that smart!

    So very happy to read your aunt has a match, praying hard for her.

  2. I wonder if women don’t go into science and math more b/c they’re boring than too hard.

    I dunno, I’m a biologist, so…

    🙂

    Man, your post is deep sista. I like it!

  3. you biked 12 miles?? way to go!! i need to get back on my bike, it’s just been so hot here lately.
    i hope things go well with your aunt, i’m glad things are looking up!

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