Monthly Archives: May 2009

Physics is going to be the death of me.

I am a capable woman. I can DO things. I am not fazed by the fact that I am one of 3 girls in a 21 people class, or 1 of 3 girls in another 14 people class. The ratios are against me. I am CAPABLE. I can hold my own.ย  I can do this. I am smart, intelligent and able to hold my own against any of these guys. —–> These are things I tell myself every day. It’s weird being in the minority in such a pronounced way. Why are girls staying away from subjects like physics or programming? I myself am switching my major from a hard science like biology to psychology. I still want to become a Doctor but its’ still rather discouraging when even the ex-Professor of Harvard doesn’t believe women are built for science and maths. It’s hard to go to a class and have a professor who can’t teach (but is really enjoyable and utterly adorable in his craziness) spend 2 hours barking nonsense and non-tangential information to you. I have to then go home and basically re-read the chapters and try to dig deep to remember trig and calc I haven’t used in YEARS. It’s foggy in there, I tell ya. This brain is like a maze and trying to find the door to 3 years long gone physics or 5-10 years long gone maths is like finding a particular grain of sand on the beach. It feels impossible. I know I’ll pull through this–but for now, I have A LOT of work to do and prove that I am as a woman, JUST AS GOOD as any dude out there.

I biked A LOT yesterday. And my groin is in pain but I bought a gelly seat from target and that definitely absorbed some of the shocks (see, I’m using Physics Terminology!). I biked around 12 miles yesterday. A NEW RECORD. And if all goes as planned, I’ll be able to bike 7-15 miles around 3 times a week. Then I’ll see if I can swim two other days, do pushups and ab exercises to make me a well-rounded exerciser. The weight btw disappeared and this morning I woke up to 161.2lbs. It could be dehydration but in general the 3lbs I supposedly “gained’ are gone.

Today I mustered the strength to wake up at 5:30am and go to class. I came home and crashed around 1pm. Only to wake up at 5pm. I am UTTERLY and totally exhausted and so I’ll allow my body the food it needs ot recover. I think I’ve eaten around 2000 calories and that should generally suffice plus or minus another 100-200 cals. I’m not sweating it. I worked out so hard and am pushing my body to do new feats. I’ll allow it to ease into the body it can sustain. No need to force it to adapt or go into starvation mode. Say goodbye to yo-yo dieting once and for all.

I picked up some trashy Contemporary Chick-Lit and I’m super excited to just hang out with friends, go to class, workout and read this summer. I think it has the potential to be such a healthy and heart-happy summer. I have SUCH GREAT NEWS. My aunt who has metastic bone-marrow lymphoma has found a match in my aunt (her sister)!!!!!! SO A TRANSPLANT IS POSSIBLE. I’m so blessed and grateful for this news. Even if bad things happen, at least there IS A CHANCE and it’s a chance I’ve prayed for over and over again. Hopefully, she’ll be getting another dose of chemo. Get her PET scan done and my aunt will take an extended trip this summer (she lives in Pakistan) and the transplant can happen.

I feel all over the place but feel ok. Like I can do ok. After last year at this point when I was being sexually harassed and just got assaulted from an ex-prick for a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive—well let’s just say, I’m much happier and more comfortable in my existence.I thought I’d never be able to find myself again. So I’m here. So present in my own skin. It’s hard to describe–but I HEAR myself again. How many of us lose our “voice”? Try to be the person you were as a child, the organic self that you possess. The best version of yourself. But at the same time the very human version of yourself…does that make sense?

Ok now I”m off to do some INTENSE homeworking and blog reading as an ongoing distraction. It’s 7pm now–Hopefully I can do hw til like 2am and get 4 more hours of sleep before the 24 hour period is through.

Books to read these next two weeks:

1. Thin is the New Happy by Valerie Frankel

2. Sweet Love by Sarah Strohmeyer

3. Chasing Harry Winston by Laren Weisberger

4. She went all the Way by Meg Cabot.

Have a good night you guys and thanks for commenting Sarah and Karen. Makes me feel loved!

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I’m Bizack

Ok first off:

Is anyone still reading my blog? I really wanna know. I’m sorry I’ve not been super present lately. Just was sooo busy with my aunt and my cousins. Trying to have a good time while facing my aunt’s illness was difficult but I’m so glad and grateful that I was able to spend this time with her on her almost-birthday.

Summer classes have officially started. I woke up this morning at 6am (eek!) and go to UMAss Lowell to take my Physics II course. The professor is this interesting old senile-physics type personality who constantly refers to himself in third person. I thnk it’ll be difficult but go by really fast. Programming was in Boston and I had to take the train to the Train Station.

Which leads to my victory of athleticism and fitness today! I biked all the way from Lexington to Cambridge on the bike path today and that was at least 7 miles each way. I of course didn’t do that in one go–I bike to the train station. Went to class. Came back and biked home. Evening hours are a little more sketch and there were so many 12year olds-18 year olds I saw in sketchy clothes.ย  I guess this is where all the delinquents go to do their drugs etc. Super sketchy, but better awkward middle schoolers than creepy ol’ men.

Scale is up to 163.4lbs this morning. But I’m not worried since I ALWAYS gain weight at my aunt’s house. it’ll probably disappear by the end of the week. Last week I worked out 3x with some walking, swimming and jogging—I jogged for 30 minutes straight which is a HUGE record for me.

If you are reading–please leave a comment. Just so I know that someone’s paying attention to my senile ways. Otherwise, I’ll just dwell in my insanity. Have a good night folks! More fun blog posts are on their way ๐Ÿ˜€

What’s new…?

Hello World.

Sorry I’ve been absent. There have been a lot of thoughts just floating around in my mind. Some pointless. Some not. Do you ever have those weeks where your mind is just buzzing but there is nothing coherent or even remotely revolutionary–and yet you feel like those thoughts affect your mood so deeply. Am I making any sense? Probably not. But here are a few snippets of what’s going on in my life:

1. I’m in Michigan right now. I’m here for the week until Next Monday. Pictures will be forthcoming. But for now I’m just going to tell you that I”m spending time bonding with the family. It’s good. It’s emotional. And it’s very draining. And I want to run up to my room and hide out a lot of the time. There’s some security and solace and denial in being alone. And you don’t get yelled at as much. And you don’t have to face realities or pretend that there’s a reality there’ s not. I’m with my aunt (who is currently sick) and my uncle and cousins. And my own familly of course. And it’s both emotionally filling and draining at the same time. There are so many emotions to deal with. And yet so many I’ve shoved down into the very pits of my belly.

2. On the health and fitness front–Weight stayed the same. 161.4lbs. And I’m good with that. Last week I ate more than I had previously and only worked out one of the seven days. Today I went for a long walk. Got some bloody blisters on my feet. This week I’m aiming for like 1800 cals 5/7 days. Well I ate more than 1800 the past two days and from today (Weds-Sun) I’m shooting for around 1800. Obviously I’m on vacation. Can’t stringently count calories, nor do I want to. But the fact is that I’m guesstimating. And in the long run, that is what counts. For reals. It’s the effort that makes the differences between the losers and gainers. Ok, but enough preachiness.

3. I read the Kirsti Alley article in People Magazine and HATED IT. Like truly was very frustrated with it. The self-hate with which Kirstie Alley talked about herself disgusted me and horrified me. I don’t care how much you weigh. What size jeans you wear—you are never “gross” or “disgusting’ or even “ugly”. I wish I could shove her into a hospital room of burn victims and see how her vanity manifested itself then. She has a beautiful face, beautifl body and capable limbs. She is 58. She should have the wisdom at this point to see that. I hate that the industry has allowed a woman to consume herself with feelings of self-hatred and self-doubt. She’s an accomplished woman and she should never let her body weight or shape or measurments detract from that. Anyways i could rant a lot more on this–and nothing I’ll say hasn’t been said before. But I am truly frustrated for this woman and pity her not for the size of her butt, but for the views she has on said size.

4. I went to Target the other day and treated myself to some fun stuff:

IMG_1850 Some fun stuff for my bike–A cute helmet and jelly seat that should cushion some of those bumps on the sidewalk

IMG_1851Some yummy luna bars and Cliff Z bars. Of course the luna bars have since been consumed and I’m working myself through the Cliffs!

IMG_1848New Hair product! Pantene Pro-V curl holding spray. Will review that later. And Biore Blackhead removing pads. Must use those later.

So there you have your Food, Fitness and Fashion Update. Haha. Target satisfies ALL my needs…Now if only Target and I could reproduce together…Alas not ALL my needs. Although give it another 100 years and I”m sure they’ll be selling “make-your-own-baby” kits that involve genetic contributions from various men and you can pick and choose.

And I decided to wear a special shirt in honor of my boyfriend’s birthday yesterday. I wore the shirt I wore the day we met–So here’s what I looked like (approximately) the day we met and I smiled and him and began my bollywood romance.

IMG_1847IMG_1845

Sorry I’ve been absent. I’m back and will be blogging much more frequently. Just a little quiet in general. Will be back to my bubbly self soon with many more uplifting thoughts. Hope all is well in blogland and can’t wait to stop by all of your blogs as well!

It’s official.

I hated the Grey’s Anatomy Finale because of the ambiguous cliffhanger! Otherwise–fun episode with lots of strong acting!

And I loved the Lost finale! Good acting. Interesting story. And craaazay cliffhanger.

Eating more…

Do you guys eat more when you’re sick/congested than when you’re well. Like I take comfort in food. It’s rather sad–unless I have a fever or something viral, I rarely get affected in terms of eating.

So just to keep tabs:

So far

2 days of 1800 calories and like 2 days of 2100 calories.

I have 3 days of 1800 calories to do, if possible. And 2 workouts that need to be scheduled in. So let’s hope that I can get ’em done. ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m geting sick ;(

You know that feeling you get in your throat where it’s really itchy and you want to make awful noises to “scratch” it and on top of that, it’s a little painful to swallow. That feeling started two nights ago. And now it’s compounded by a general feeling of dizziness and the start of a cold/cough. I’m in that whole “I know I’m getting sick” but-I’m-still-pretty-powerless-to-stop-it-phase. This is rather sad too considering I ate an apple for the first time in months like two days ago and I thought it would be enough to keep the “doctor” away! Currently, I am drinking a “green smoothie” that has like 2-3 cups of spinach, a scoop of protein powder and a banana. I’m hoping that will at least give my body some boost in the vitamin department. And it goes down easy in the throat. Feels rather nice and soothing. It’s a SOOTHIE. haha. I crack myself up and it’s rather sad/pathetic. but if I can’t make myself laugh, then who can??

On other news–I am hitting new fitness milestones and really pushing my body. Yesterday I biked to a friend’s house who lived 5 miles away and biked back. Previously I had only biked a max of like 7 miles so 10+ was a new record for me. My groin is in intense pain now because that seat was all up in there, and I could feel every single BUMP on the sidewalk. OUCH! I almost preferred to bike on the road because it was so much smoother but I don’t think I’m a fast enough biker yet to be biking on the road full-time.

So I’ve got 1/3 workouts done. I think I might go swimming Thursday night and see if I can swim 1/2 a mile (38laps). I might do something today although I do feel weak/sickish. So we’ll see how that goes. I really think that the fitness thing can stick for me if I just keep trying to up my previous goals each week. Llike each week see if I can bike further/swim further/run futher. I want to stat sprinting so I have to make a date with my local track to make that happen. I think I’m slowly getting a hang of the whole “be a rational person in the way you eat and workout”. I can actually be in a house with carrot cake,cheesecake and ice cream in my fridge. Eat a healthy day and have little bits of dessert that I can track into my day’s needs. I’m a lot more sane about my eating than I ever have been. I’m also learning to slowly distance my emotional reality from my eating habits. I wonder if it’ll carry through to next semester?

I left my job at the hospital. I have summer classes starting in two weeks and am going next week to Michigan to visit my ailing aunt. I feel weak and awful. But I quit my job at the hospital because I couldn’t distance myself from the hospital and what’s going on with my aunt. She’s getting so weak and worse in health. And I couldn’t go to the hospital surrounded by sick kids and “act” like everything was just dandy and happy and would be ok. It was my own weakness. I have to grow up and learn to separate my personal life from my job. But I’m such a emotional person and my feelings are always just written on my face.ย  I have the worst poker face in the world. I am weak for not being able to handle this yet. I do hope to become a doctor, but going to a hospital and serving people and acting carefree and totally emotionally available for the children–well it’s a skill I have to develop. I know my supervisor was mad at my unprofessionalism and I wrote him a long email explaining why I had to leave early. But I still feel really apologetic for not being there yet. I’m not a cold person or even a scientific person at heart. I’m an emotional, warm, passsionate person who’s alwaysย  100% and beyond available and open and genuine. And I think that’s both my strength and weakness. I just need to learn so damn much and it’s frustating. I don’t really like professional politics and I definitely do not deal well with boundaries. I always want to be so open and friendly and I guess personal with people I interact with–but that’s not how “things are done” and I bet it’ll always hurt me more than benefit me. Do you guys have any tips for learning how to be more professionally savy?

Anyways—that’s the update. Feeling both emotionally and physically vulnerable. And still trekking on through this fitness/health regime.

Week 3: Challenge Update plus Food pics from the party!

Ok so we’re back to the challenge–Today is Sunday and as usual, I post up pics of my progress in a 360 degree photo spread, write down my weight and analyze what I did right in the past week and what I hope to accomplish:

Here’s the posts for

Week 1

Week 2

You probably won’t be able to see many differences but I’m hoping posting these pictures will give me motivation during the week, help me see just how beautiful my body truly is and help me overcome the body dysmorphia fed to me by society every second of every day by every single media outlet there is. Of course I will see very small changes over time—Over 10lbs or 15lbs but for now, it’s gradual loss with pictures documenting each week.

My weight this morning was 161.2lbs making for a loss of 1.4lbs!!! That’s a great loss and I’ll definitely take it considering that I ate how I wanted and still managed to lose. Here are my pics!

Photo 91Photo 89Photo 93Photo 92

One thing I’m really sad to see is that my butt is going. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I really love my bootylicious body and it’s slowly melting away. I need to find a way to melt the fat around my thighs and stomach without losing my butt. I am doing lunges, squats and walking on incline but still my butt refuses to stay and witness the ass-kickin’ into shape. I’ve kicked my ass so hard, it’s left….Hopefully when the rest of the fat melts, the glorious badunkadunk will return in some capactiy back to me.

Good things I did this week:

1. I worked out 3/3 times. I did the p90x legs and back video for like 70 minutes one day, I walked on the treadmill/jogged on a high incline for 45 minutes one day and I biked 5-7 miles on Friday. I’ll take it!

2. I ate around 1800 calories 4 days and 2100 the other 3 days. Considering this week was my TOM, I’m not too sad to see those numbers or ashamed. I think I kept it really reasonable.

3. I didn’t weigh myself until Saturday. So here’s my weighing philosphy: I don’t weigh myself during the week. I DO weigh myself twice a week–once on Saturday and once on Sunday. That way, if there’s any discrepancies related to sodium concentrations/water retention, dehydration, TOM etc. I kind of mitigate it. Then I pick the lower number….Now that might not be ENTIRELY accurate–but frankly WHO cares. I’m not a science experiment where all the data has to be averaged and accounted for. As long as I always weigh-in both days and pick the lower number, I”ll be consistently weighing in each week. This weighing in on Saturday morning and Sunday morning also ensures that I don’t to crazy over the weekend eating wise or calorie wise. Of course, considering the fact that I work both Saturday and Sunday most weekends, I dont’ really have an opportunity to go crazy eating wise.

4. I showed some self-love. VERY VERY important on this journey–make a promise to love yourself weekly to start, and then maybe daily and maybe all the time. Work really hard on showing some self-love because that’s one of the big roots or foundations for successful weight loss over long-term.

5. I had a couple Green Smoothies.

Things I’d like to do this week:

1. Workout 3 times this week. For this working-out thing to stick I need to start out doing 3 times/month for the first month, then maybe up it to 4 times/month, then 5 etc. You get the idea. I started out with 2-3 and think I can accomplish 3 times per week pretty successfully. There’s no need to jump into a work-out regime that you can’t sustain or even maintain. Accept going slow and building up.

2. Eat 1800 calories 4-5 days and 2100 calories for the other two. This week is not TOM, and so I have less hormonal impulses to eat or emotionally express myself through food. I can do this!

3. Drink 4-5 green smoothies. Get those vitamins for real!

4. Show some self-love. This week my exercise will be to stand in front of a mirror naked and look COMPLETELY objectively. Critique the body the way I would a beautiful piece of art or painting. NO judgment and no hatred. super hard! but I should try and do it!

I’ll check back next week with the next challenge update. But here are pictures of the fabulous food I had last night!! ๐Ÿ˜€

IMG_1802Nargisi Koftey (beef meatballs with hardboiled eggs)

IMG_1804Aloo (Boiled potatos with lots of spices and herbs)

IMG_1807Chicken Jalfreezi (Chicken with red and green bell peppers)

There was also some Tandoori Chicken that I didn’t photograph and some Haleem and Palau

IMG_1808Lauki ka Halwa (A pakistani dessert made by stewing Butternut Squash with milk and sugar)

That’s real silver on the top that is made edible. It’s a common decoration in desserts to make you feel super decadent ๐Ÿ˜€

IMG_1814Chocolate Cheesecake!!!

There was also Carrot Cake and a pakistani dessert called Jalebi and some Vanilla Icecream

I didn’t even get a chance to photograph the 4-6 different types of breads we served. Overall, it was a true feast and I kept my portions super reasonable. I took a plate and covered half of it with salad–then I grabbed a little bit of everthing. And for dessert, I got it after everybody else and limitied myself to slivers of my favorite desserts. The chcolate Cheesecake wasย  a HUGE hit!!!

Now I”m off to go to work from 11:30-7pm. Have I got your mouth watering yet? ๐Ÿ˜€