Monthly Archives: April 2009

The Pursuit of an Acceptance for Imperfection.

There are always blogs I read out there that show models of perfection; women/men who have their lives together, are eating the right thing, running 10 milers, acing their exams/getting prmotions at work, have perfect relationship with their spouses and seem like paragons of virtue. I read them constantly to inspire me to be better when in reality they make me feel small, insecure and imperfect. I am not the girl who can show up to an 8:30am Math class at college looking trendy in a cute outfit, with a latte and the homework completed. I’m the girl who still had bed-head/stayed up late doing the assignment/glasses(didn’t have time to put on contacts–or brush my teeth for that matter) with a frazzled look. My curls are all over the place. and I’m probably in sweats.

I’m not that girl who wakes up every morning for “some yoga” and then has no problem eat veggies/fruits for EVERY SINGLE meal, saying no to cupcakes/carbs and is happy every single second. I struggle to workout. I mean I love it when I’m doing it, and most of the battle is getting up to do it–but it’s not easy or natural by any means (except for dancing–which is the most natural thing in the world). Even now–I hate treadmills. They make me feel like a hamster. I rather would dance around my room, go swimming in the ocean and run up and down the streets to feel the wind in my hair and my heart pumping against my chest. I love fruits and veggies, but I am very conscious of my intakes and am starting to drink the Green Smoothies in the  morning to get those “out of the way” first thing in the morning. I love love love food, but I would pick bread and cheese over lettuce and tomatos in any world where neither of those foods had calories. I am severely imperfect. I am very hormonal, irrational sometimes and overly judgemental at other times. I have my strengths (I am kind, generous, compassionate, outgoing, sensitive, egalitarian etc.)–But at the same time, I can be unkind, I can be irritable, judgemental, closed off, and just plain bitchy. I’m no paragon of virtue.

I think I should outline my college experiences and how they make me the fragile, cracked, vulnerable but yet strong piece of worn leather I am today.

My first semester of college was a very fast moving frenzied time in my life. I was independent. I was on my own schedule. Because I was so outgoing, I was taking part in 10-15 clubs and doing well. I was making groups of friends and keeping up a social life. I worke makeup every morning and planned out my outfits. I was taking two honors classes and gave off the apperance that I had it “all together”. I dumped my wonderful senior year boyfriend (one thing I regret so much is breaking his heart, but he and I are good friends now, and I still apologize to him ALL THE TIME) to find a “college guy” and experience it all. I wanted the parties, the boys and the social life. I even lied to my parents and said everything was alright. In October I found a guy who I shall call here “The Abuser”. That should foreshadow what his personality was like. He was everything I was looking for at the time–He was smart, a sophomore (an “older man”), arrogant, cocky (which I mistook for self-assured–nothing can be further from the truth) and honest (which later he used as an excuse to justify emotional abuse). Well for those few months we were fine, despite the fact that I was failing school. That december much to the dismay of me and my parents, I brought home 3 Cs and a D. I felt shattered. I fell apart. I didn’t drink or anything but in the midst of all this need to have a “college experience” I lost the main reason why I was at college in the first place. My parents sat me down and said “it’s up to you–we could pull you home and send you to state school which costs a fraction of what we’re paying now and you can screw up there. Or you can quit all these social activites, accept the fact that looking good/dressing trendy/doing makeup and being a straight-A student are somewhat mutually exclusive events and go back to CMU with your act together.” I quit every single club right then and there. I was in two fashion shows, 5 dances–quit all of those and went back to school determined to shed this air-head facade I was starting to give off.

Second semester is interesting to go into–I did end up getting the 4.0. I was one of a handful of students my dean later told me, who could go from 1.74 (Academic Probation) to a 4.0 (deans list with high honors) in the span of one semester. But all that pressure got to me. On one hand, my boyfriend was starting to show his true colors. but still we were in a honeymoon period and I didn’t see the signs. I also lost my virginity that semester. I was so determined to lose it and shed this “innocent girl” image and I was ready to give it to “the Abuser” because he was a virgin too. So we fumbled through it the first time and I won’t lie and say that it didn’t hurt. It did. A WHOLE LOT. and continued to hurt for several months after the fact. With this tremendous pressure to be a good girlfriend and a good student, I started binging. I would go into these episodes where I would NEEED to consume food. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch until my stomach was close to ripping apart and the food could be felt from the bottom of my stomach to the top of my throat. I would even steal food from my roomate who kept junkfood around (I didn’t) and would buy her the food, apologize, only to binge again. i gained about 5-10lbs. Not too many considering. but the way I felt was worse. I felt like I was trying to be the perfect girl and taking it all out on my body.

That summer I came home and The Abuser started showing more of his colors. he would be super needy and would get mad at me when I had to go to hang out wiht my family. Anyone who knows me knows that familiy is VERY IMPORTANT to me and he wouldn’t accept that. My little brother came to college to visit me once, beat the Abuser in video games and the Abuser told me flat out htat “my brother was an asshole, and he didn’t like him”.–Mind you, my little brother is 19now and the abuser is 22 or 23. He was just severly immature. He would also tell me how he was going to cheat on me (as a joke) and how I may have gotten the 4.0, but it was because I was in an “EASY MAJOR” like biology while he was in such a tough major called Electrical and Computer engineering. I admit that ECE is harder than bio, but not in a way that my 4.0 was undeserved or much easier to obtain. I still didn’t see the signs. My parents met him and didn’t like him. I told them they were being racist (he’s black, I’m pakistani). Now I know they weren’t because they love my boyfriend now and he’s black. It’s just that The Abuser was an ass and they didn’t like the way he was constantly putting me down. My cousins met him and HATED HIM. It even was that all my friends at college who traveled in similar friend circles as him didn’t like him either…They just didn’t tell me til after we broke up.

During the following semester, I lived with 9 of my friends. It was a blast. I still was pressure to do really well and by my expectations I did well. Not by the expectations of my parents–who demand 4.0s every semester. My boyfriend was starting to show his true colors. I broke up with him for like 2 hours one day over the summer but he made me feel SO bad about it, I got back together. There was some tension related to that. We completed 1 year together–didn’t do anything for it. Nothing big happened that semester except that my Aunt relapsed with her cancer for the first time and we found out it spread to her brain. I was having a hard time coping with that. That december I went to see her and it was really rough on me.

The following semeste rin January, The Abuser tells me that “he’s planning on breaking up with me the following summer.” Needless to say I was devastated. He was treating me like a 4-month long booty call. Then he’d go home, mess around with other girls and come back the following semester to get back with me. I took it out and cheated on him over spring break. That was a bad mistake on my part. I cheated on him with my first boyfriend ever ( a great guy, who was a virgin as well). I broke up with him the next day. I do not justify cheating under ANY circumstance. In my opinion the relationship was over by that point–He had already broken my heart. I just didn’t have the strength before cheating on him, to actually break it off wiht him first. He used to tell me “I was smart ‘enough'” whatever that means. He used to say I was pretty “he guessed” but I was lucky he was dating me. He made me feel ugly and unintelligent and completely inadequate. That was March of last year (2008). When I came back to school and he kept hounding me for “breakup sex”. He said he had a right to it since we were together for 1.5 years. He didn’t know I cheatd on him. He just knew I broke up with him. I was scared to tell him…I still was helping him with Spanish since I had been helping him before we broke up. Well one day while i went to teh bathroom, he went into my stuff and read that I cheated on him through a private email I sent on of my friends pre-breakup. When I came back to the room he got violent. He shoved me into the wall and hit my head into the wall. THen he got in my face and started cursing me out. Horrible things I still flinch thinking about. He then left the room, punching the wall one more time. I just got into bed and fell asleep. I didn’t allow myself to grieve or even think about how that experience would affect me.

I was completely vulnerable. I felt so broken and lost. I just focused all that energy into school. I didn’t want to think too hard about the fact that my aunt was in a coma due to collapsed lungs or that I was just abused. That summer I got an opportunity to research with this young Doctor (40s). I was completely vulnerable at this time. So he would start prying into my life. At first it started about religion. Then politics. And from there he was telling me personal details bout his life and I was telling him personal details about mine. I was completely Naiive having never worked in this type of setting before. And he took advantage of that. One time I even went to help him paint one of his properties he was renting out and he picked me up from teh train station once. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t articulate yet how it was wrong or why I felt so guilty. He was married and had two kids. I also didn’t know if I had the right to quit the job or throw the opportunity in his face. I would tell my parents and they’d tell me to keep the discussion professional. Well I tried keeping it cool and professional but he told me he thought I wasn’t “being myself” and sent me home. He also would divulge details of his sex life with his wife and tell em how beautiful I was. I felt like an enabler even though I hadn’t done anything wrong excpet be Naiive. In August 2008, I just felt so disgusted with myself and like a victim of abuse and sexual harassment, I was blaming myself for both instances. I stopped going to work. And I came home one weekend and my parents didn’t know how to deal with me. They told me that I was so beautiful and I wore clothes that enhanced my beauty too much. I wore makeup. I didn’t dress or act professional. I felt like they were blaming me. THey probably weren’t but it came out wrong nonetheless and I blamed myself more.

The only good thing from that summer is that I met my current boyfriend. He and I had fantastic times together and I made really good friends as well. Those are the best things. But i felt homesick and instable. Well now onto fall of last year. My aunt recovered to some degree and we were in a better place with her. But I think all those pent up feelings I had stuffed down deep began overflowing. I would have dreams that I was being chased to be raped by both the Abuser and The Boss. I would have insomnia. I felt so wrong about what I was doing in regards to science–my bad experience with the boss rather than the research that summer left a bitter taste in my mouth and any kind of science that reminded me of him caused me to freeze up. I was crying every night and just feeling depressed. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and the doctors wanted to shove drugs on me. Me and my parents thus agreed that I should come home and first try to heal myself. Find myself. and then if I wasn’t better by the end of this semester, I could take drugs to cope. So that’s how I got to be home. And that’s why you’ll never hear me calling myself perfect. I am hopefully, completely and very comfortably imperfect. and I think we should pursue the acceptance of imperfection in our lives because it makes us, us. That’s all I have for now. Sorry this turned out SO LONG.

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Terrific Tuesday?

Let’s see how this Tuesday ends, but so far so good!

It’s officiall—I’m a Green Smoothie Convert. I love them. Right now I”m having one with 3 cups of Spinach, (20cal), *can barely taste them!!*, 1 banana (100 cals), 4-5 strawberries (50 cals), 1/2cup Vanilla soymilk(50cals), 1/2cup 1%milk (50cals), 1/2 scoop Chocolate Protein Powder (50cals)=about 320cals.

So it’s a dense snack. I try to eat 300 calories every 3 hours, for dinner often combining the two mini snacks for a 600cal meal. So this is one of my little meals. It’s just amazing that you can squeeze so many servings of veggies and fruits in a delicious meal like that. I’m a pure convert. And I’ve noticed a couple things–my psoriasis is clearing. And I’m not sure if that’s due to the weather (it’s weird but sunlight is HIGHLY encouraged and my doctors ask me to get the maximum sun exposure possible without getting burned) or the vitamin/minerals from the drink. Like literally lesions I’ve had all my life are clearing right up. Also my period is coming and I’m hoping this smoothie will help ease the transition along with the workouts (I’m a SUPER symptomatic menstruator–is that a word!? haha). I think the iron in the spinach will keep me fortified too. So I’ve only had 3 so far hahahaha but I’m hoping that 2-3 weeks of smoothie-sipping will give me more information on my New Religion (Smoothism) and I’ll let you know more about the benefits I’m reaping.

I’ve ditched the scale on the daily. I now try to weigh myself once a week. here’s the deal–there is TOO MUCH BULLSHIT associated with me weighing daily. I’m not sure about you and I’m not here to judge-but my best mental sanity and eating habits come when I treat it like a once-a-week-booty-call rather than a needy-whiny-i-love-you-don’t-leave-me completely dependent messed up relationship. I also know that I self-sabotage less and feel better about my body when this happens. As I become more athletic and self-assured in my body health, I’ll ditch the scale completely. But for now, it’s once a week for me until otherwise notified.

Today the good things I’ve done Today:

1. I only stuck to one hour of television (I have been ignoring a social life for too many tv shows. I think once a week it’s fine to watch 5 hours of tv but NOT EVERY NIGHT). I work too hard. And so to unwind, I park myself in front of a tv and turn my mind off. But it’s summer. I want to be outside, leave my windows open to smell the fresh air and bike places. Tv can happen but not all day long when I”m free.

2. I chose to spend the other 2 hours of my free morning working out…I only worked out specifically for one hour but you know the other hour gets lost somewhere along “waking up/dragging my booty out of bed”, “drinking a cup of tea” and “changing into my workout clothes.” I did 30 minutes of the P90x back/legs workout and did 30 minutes of Beginner Yoga on the Yoga Channel on Youtube. If you want free yoga lessons, you should check it out. Free videos of yoga sessions that are over 30-40 minutes long. I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s free and the instructor is FANTASTIC in the beginner video I did. So check that video out!!

Monday: A New Day, A New Challenge

So next Sunday the Biggest Loser Blog Edition 2 will end and I will have to develop a new motivation in my life (besides good health yadda yadda) for shaking things up in the health aspect of my life.

Now on Friday I began thinking of ways I could challenge myself. I first thought to do a competition like thing with my boyfriend–but that wouldn’t work. We’re too completely different places in our health journey. I thought of setting poundage goals–but that’s not really what my ultimate goal is. My ultimate goal is to be FIT and ATHLETIC. I mean I’d like to be in the 150s for both vanity’s sake and the stupid BMI charts (that I do not want to believe in, but are used by most health institutions to determine health risks etc.) which now declare me overweight but in the 150s will say I’m “normal” WHATEVER THAT MEANS. Sorry–tangent.

Anyways, I am going to “bare” all. I mean that I will be posting pictures of myself in 360 degrees and assess myself with biweekly or weekly pictures to assess the differences. I want to be an athlete. I need to step my game up and summer is the season in which I feel lightweight, healthy, fresh and alive–I feel like I can DO ANYTHING. so without further ado:

I introduce Kudret’s “I-Wanna-Be-An-Athelte-and-get-off-my-fat-arse” challenge…

I will just introduce athletic goals, and improve on my week to week activity levels. I will eat better. I will take measurements. And I will take measurements. Nothing super fancy schmancy or even of real interest to ya’ll. But this is MY blog and I do want some form of keeping track. And if you guys are my own version of Jillian and Bob then so be it.

Here are pics of me in a sports bra and bicyclist shorts (thank God I”m not a man and don’t really have embarssing parts that portrude…Note to Old Men–Please do not wear biking shorts “just cuz”. It’s traumatic. And unforgettable.)

As you can see–There’s a lot of potential there to work with and improvement to be done as well. I love my body. I can list 10000 things I love about it and this is not supposed to be self-deprecating or not self-loving. I actually am putting these pictures up in a way to empower myself. I just think that I need to have visual proof of what I look like now and how far I can come.

Here are my measurements:

Taken on 4/26/2009

waist:29
bust: 37
underbust: 31
stomach: 31
hips: 37.5
butt: 40.5
rthigh:25
lthigh: 24.5

(In inches)

I just want my stomach and waist to go in. Other measurements should get smaller or leaner rather but I’m not afraid of “bulking up” as many girls claim they are. I think that’s stupid. I want to look like a strong, capable woman who is able to cut open the  human body and heal, who can birth children, and  WHO CAN OPEN HER OWN DAMN CAN OF PICKLES.

My weight yesterday was 164.8lbs. I also ate my weight in sushi on saturday  night so I know that sure as hell wasn’t accurate since my rings were choking on my fingers from all the sodium bloat. they’re looser now. But I’m not weighing myself til Sunday because….Well i’m slowly empowering myself to move away from the scale.

Here are good things I’ve done in the past 24 hours:

1. I started making these Green Smoothies (like “Green Monsters” from Angela’s blog Oh She Glows)

2. Yesterday was day 1 of my activity days: I did P90x Ab Ripper workout (I couldn’t do more than 5 or 6 reps/exercise, and I half-assed them at that–So MUCH IMPROVEMENT TO BE DONE!). I also walked to the gas station (1.5mi) to fill my bike tires with air and biked home(1.5mi). I also did 100 squats (and felt light-headed). Today I’m sore in a delicious “i-kicked-my-own-ass” kind of way. It feels good.

Things I want to do this week:

1. Make Green Smoothies 3-5 times this week (2 handfuls spinach, 1 banana, 3-4 strawberries, 1/2cup soymilk, 1/2 cup 1% milk, 1/2 scoop Protein powder)–I will be testing out several variations.

2. Aim for another 2-3 days of activity beyond the usual.

3. Take pics/weight measurements next sunday.

What are all of your summer plans??

Beautiful day in Beantown

First of all, I want to express my heartiest condolences and grief for one of the bloggers I keep up with daily. Please just stop by Jenna’s blog, Eat Live, Run , and let her know that you’re there for her, because she lost her 19 year old brother this morning. I have a brother who’s 19, and he’s my twin in life. If I were to ever lose him, I know I’d feel as though I’d lost a piece of myself and just feel so deeply for her and her family at this loss in their lives.

The Day-to-Day UPDATE:

Summer classes start May 26th. Can’t wait to be a student again! I know it’s silly and when I’m actually in school–I HATE the stress, pressure and competition, but there’s so much security in being a student again and just having to focus on the books. I still will probably work at the GAP on weekends and will volunteer once a week for that month but aside from that, it’s school all the way. I’m taking a Physics II course and Programming (Intro to Java). I don’t really think I’ll enjoy either but the fact that I get to carry a backpack again and have “homework” is super exciting for me (I know it’s only been like 4 months since i left school….but I’m a diehard student to the core).

Now what did I do today—Well it’s about 82 degrees here in Boston, and I feel wonderful. I woke up and knew I had to do something I do every season–>

img_17441 Spring Cleaning!!! I always switch out my summer clothes and winter clothes. I think it’s so exciting and fun for me! When I open up the box of summer clothes or suitcase of winter sweaters, I feel like I’ve discovered  a whole batch of new clothes because I’ve forgotten about most of them. Plus I have memories attached to certain items of clothing (the blue silk shirt I wore the day Rick saw me and I saw him; the white shirt I wore to our first date. The shorts I wore to NY etc. etc. etc.) and seeing them again rehashes all those thoughts/memories and brings a smile to my face. And I encourage all smiles 😀

Look what I found in my Summer stuff—

My High School Prom Dress! Well my Junior Prom. I went with a guyfriend to HIS prom (because I had NO interest in my own) and we had a pretty good time. His girlfriend was one of my best friends but she couldn’t make it so I went with him as a favor. It was fun (although a little bit awkward) but considering I didn’t really believe in the whole Prom-“thing” I had a good time. I decided to put it on (in my bra-less, I just-woke-up  state) and take some fun pics…

It was this purple, two-toned dress that I bought for like 50 or 60$ somewhere. I wasn’t planning on going anyways, so there was NO way I was going to pay over 100$….No offense to all you ladies who did 😀img_17452

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THE FOOD/FITNESS UPDATE

img_17531So I now remember why I lose weight during the summer. Because fresh feels GOOOOD. I was craving fruit earlier, and just popped 1 cup blueberries, cup soy milk, a couple ice cubes and 5-6 strawberries for a smoothie snack. YUMIZZLE. haha (I’m a HUGE dork). Food should be light, tasty, fresh, flavorful and small so that I feel light, and fresh. Know what I mean?!

Last week, I baked a cheesecake (chocolate cheesecake to be exact) and it was DELISH!. Today is Banana Bread Saturday. Whenever I go to Costco, I make my family buy two bags of bananas–so that I have enough (because my brother eats 1-2/day) to use when overripe for Banana Bread. I baked a banana bread loaf from this recipe but made the following substitutions:

img_17541 I halved the recipe first for only 16 servings. My mom is diabetic and my dad constantly trying to cut calories, so I used 1 cup of splenda instead of the 1.5 cups sugar. I used 3/4 cups Smart Balance instead of regular ol’ butter. I used 1 egg and 2 eggwhites. I used 3 ripe bananas as directed. Doubled the spices and added a little bit of allspice. I did not add the walnuts because I totally forgot to. Then I garnished the top with some oatmeal, cinnamon and bran.

img_17561 As you can see it looks super delicious and tastes good too. I didn’t feel any compromise in terms of taste or anything but I’ve weaned myself off of splenda and now taste some artificial aftertaste in the bread from that. If you don’t need to, I would encourage not adding splenda. Stick to the natural stuff–except I’d change white sugar for brown sugar because I like the hit of molasses.
The Fashion Update

I normally am a jeans and shirt girl at the gap, but about once or twice per week I get inspired to throw together a super cute outfit. Especially since I have to look somewhat professional and tone down my trendy side during the week at the Hospital. I decided to post an example of what I’m wearing today to work…I tried to keep it spring-like, while being weather appropriate and trendy (while choosing shapes that flatter MY body).

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I think my expression is totally cheesy in the first picture but the point was to show you the outfit in the first picture. The detailing in the neckline in the second picture and the shoes that I used to match.

Alright now I’m off to shower and go to work a shift from 4-10 tonight. Then I’m off tomorrow and I get a Sunday off!! WOOHOOOO! Hope you all are having  a fabulously fit day too, and I just want to reiterate my condolences to Jenna.

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Bollywood Online Workout!!

If you want to learn how to bollywood dance and not pay any money, I found these AWESOME bollywood workout videos online. They give pretty detailed instruction with step and then give u a chance to do the workout to the song. So far I’ve seen that they have 3 songs!!! And each video is around 20 mins so it’s a pretty decent workout (got me sweating!)

Here are the links for the three videos:

Song Maahive from Kal Ho Na Ho

Song Monama (Instrumental)

Song Chaiyya Chaiyya from Dil Se

They’re calling it Bollyrobics. Haha. So go dance! If you don’t feel like walking on the treadmill today or doing the elliptical, connect your laptop to a stereo and get dancing!

Back from the Dead

Hey everybody,

It’s time to explain my absence…

There were a few things that happened that kind of shook me and turned my world upside down:

1. My aunt (mother’s sister)  relapsed. I’ll begin with her story–She’s about 4 years older than my  mom. She was diagnoosed with a rare lympohoma in her breast in 2002. After intense chemo, she went into remission. Her potential were relapse was predicted at 2 years and after 3 years cancer-free, we all released big sighs of relief. But after 4 years, in a very rare occurrence, we found out that her cancer had metastisized to her brain. Fast forward radiation, chemo and scary moments for two years stragiht, she emerged triumphant. She had reduced the tumor to about 75% of its size and kept it stable ins ize. She took oral chemo for a year, got her lung capacity back and weaned off of oxygen. it’s been about 2 years and we all thought it might be kept stable. But this past week we found out that the tumor had metastisized to her bone marrow. Now she’ll have to undergo more chemo and a bone marrow transplant. It just made me so sad and devastated me. We look like twins. Here’s a picture of us that shows you how much I look like her

kudri-raana-khala This picture was taken IN december (the colored picture). I’m sitting at my aunt’s feet. On the other side, the black and white photo is my aunt at 16 or 17. I think we look like twins haha.

2. The second thing that happened didn’t directly affect me but did shake me up. a 19 year old Pakistani boy who was a friend of a friend (Pakistanis hang out together in groups in Boston and he was one of the kids) died due to a connective tissue disorder. He was perfectly healthy one day and the next rushed to the hospital because his aorta was not working properly. Over the course of a week, he had to first deal with losing one leg. Then they amputated the other. And then they removed his intestines. And within the next three days he was dead. And he was only 19. And this was a undetected disorder that must have genetically come into play now. It left me crying, despite not knowing him really well.

Then there were some really different cases at work. A baby who had been a car accident and who had irreperable brain damage that left him screaming randomly but incapable of doing much else. It left me crying.

So it was quite difficult of a week. But after some good crying, family time and general thought I am in a better place. I needed to escape from the internet for a little while to just breathe easier. I also wasn’t sure how much I should reveal on the blog. But I have come to terms and decided to let you guys know why i was so AWOL for the past couple days.

I will be going to visit my aunt next week for her birthday and will take lots of pictures for memories etc. I’m doing  much better in regards to that although I know that it will get harder as she gets sicker.

In other news, health and fitness wise, weight loss IS SUPER SLOW. And I think I need to start counting calories again and incorporating exercise. It’s supposed to be in the 80s here in boston starting this weekend and so I’m reading to get this booty poppin haha and get moving. I anticipate lots of walking and biking and dancing in my near future. The rest of my family is fine and we’re enjoying eachother. In about a week or week and a half I will have to start taking summer classes and my schedule will be C-RA-Z-Y. But I’m excited to be a student again. I will update tomorrow with more day-to-day stuff and for now will stop by your blogs to show you I’m alive. Thanks everybody for stopping by!!!

Alive but not really well

Hey guys,

I am taking a brief 1 week hiatus from blogging. I’ll stop for some short posts but a come pretty devastating things have happened in my life (I and my immediate family is ok) but people who mean a lot to me are going through some super tough times. I just ask that you bear with me until I feel good enough to blog again and pray for me.

Thanks.

Kudret